Found this on the Navyfield Forums - thought some of you would appreciate it. Original source is a facebook group- which I would really like to find and join just for a laugh
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a
competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the 97.85% of
you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping
the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the
suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are
welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
up ?vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to
cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to
develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated
letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't
that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian
(Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas
such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire,
Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and
watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the
humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian
Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only
after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up
half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such
as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no
longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What
you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may
have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of
you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2010.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called
the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since
only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error
is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game
called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed
to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because
we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items,
you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new
national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are ****, and it is for your own good.
When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the
left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help
you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real
chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including
the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called
Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps."
Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to
chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made
within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea
made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is
lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager."
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to
as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American
Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the
Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA.
The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will,
in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $10/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults.
If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to
a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
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