Clients From Hell

**hannibaldinski** · 26/05/2010

I run my own company and all of my clients where luckily normal people who let me do my thing. But on this website you got some very funny stories of Client From Hell

http://clientsfromhell.net

The ones i liked a lot:

Client: ”Can you make the ‘About Us’ link say ‘About Us - Everyone welcome’?”
Me: “Sure, but…why?”
Client: ”I’m afraid people might not know they’re allowed to click that link. They might think it’s private. We need them to know it’s okay for them to go there.”
Me: ”But none of the links on your site are private. Why are you concerned with that specific one?”
Client: “Good point. You’d better add ‘Everyone welcome’ to all the links on the site.”

Why aren’t we ranking higher on Google? Our name starts with A, and this other company only starts with H!

I want you to put the search box at the bottom of my website. I’m tired of all those websites that have them at the top, it’s way too ‘in your face’. I want my visitors to really want to search.

**Maniche** · 26/05/2010

Client: ”Why does the eblast print in black-and-white?”

Me: ”Are you using a black-and-white printer?”

Client: ”Yes.”

HAHAHA!

Maniche

**Edad Tace** · 26/05/2010

Client: “That logo looks awesome, thanks! We’re going to go with that design.”

Me: “Great, I’ll put the high res files on a CD and drop it off to your office this afternoon, and you can write me a cheque for payment.”

Client: “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. We think that instead of “traditional” payment, we would like to put you on the Barter System.”

Me: “But you agreed to my costs weeks ago.”

Client: “Wouldn’t you like a new TV instead? We could get you one. Or maybe one of our other suppliers could fix your guttering or something?”

Me: ”I already have a TV, a new one isn’t going to feed my family. I think I’ll take a cheque as agreed.”

Client: “But the Barter System has been around, like, forever. You scratch my back, I scratch yours.”

Me: “Maybe I should try this Barter System. Tell you what, instead of paying me, you can come around to my house and cook me dinner every night for a month.”

Client: “…”

Me: “Hello?”

Client: ”So how much do I make the cheque out for?”

this is perhaps the funniest i've seen this far <- only said that because a post can't be shorter than 10 characters

**Demogorgon** · 05/06/2010

that is funny edad

Client: I talked to *** for a couple hours last night, and he agreed that I shouldn’t have to pay you.

why the hell os G O D blanked out good *** naga what the hell! Im offened that you said g od lol!

**General Naga** · 05/06/2010

Good question Demo - probably being picked up as a partial match by the censor engine. I'll fix that now.

**Demogorgon** · 05/06/2010

“I need you to render me a banana.”

“Okay, sounds good.”

“No, not a banana - the taste of the banana.”

“It seems as though every time we ask you to do any work, we have to pay for it.”

Hi, sorry I haven’t gotten back to you, but I’ve been in jail for a few days. I don’t want to talk about why. I really shouldn’t be calling you… they’ve got people everywhere. I might be hard to get ahold of for awhile. Can I get your address again, so I can send your payment? Also if they don’t find me, I might need a place to uh, crash for a few days, if that’s cool.

“When I scroll down the page, the header and logo disappears”

We can’t use this design at all. The background clashes with the trousers I’m wearing today.

Can you tell me what time you are going to bed tonight? I need to know when I have to stop calling you.

While reviewing a quote for a rush job that would require working through the weekend, client commented that paying extra seemed wrong. His famous last words:

“I’m giving you a break from your family for two days, why should I be paying for that?”

Client: “The ad with the big digits is fine. But I don’t like the 9.”

Me: “Why?”

Client: “It looks like a 6 upside-down.”

I have a old website, but I want a new one. Is there any option to sell off the pixels of the old one?

I really like the CD cover you made, but my guitar looks out of tune.

We like the woman in the wheelchair, but we don’t want people to think being in a wheelchair makes her less feminine. You need to make her breasts larger.

Can you add a menu to the beginning of this VHS tape? You know, like a DVD so we can skip forward.

Email from client: I’ve attached an image. Could you make it HD and send it back?

*attached jpeg with dimensions: 32px by 54px*

Me: “Ok, we’ve pushed the site live.”

Client: “Why isn’t the site #1 on Google yet?”

Me: “We just pushed it live five minutes ago.”

Client: “Optimize the fireball.”

Me: “I’m sorry? Do you mean the firewall?”

Client: “I need more hits NOW, so I need you to optimize the fireball. I know what I’m talking about!”

Me: “We’ll get right on it.”